Big gatherings are just not for me, really. Even during joyful occasions, the many faces and the noise and the constant interruptions of every discussion and the avoidance of any deep topic make me feel disconnected from the events in a way that I don't like.

It doesn't necessarily happen during an entire event. Often, there are some speeches or similar things where it's pretty nice. I'm focused, there isn't too much noise, I'm listening and enjoying the moment.

But then dinner comes and I chat with my people — table neighbors or acquaintances or friends or family — and we talk about nothing. How was the weekend, how were the holidays, how fleur de sel is so much better than table salt, how good the gratin is, how happy we are for the newlyweds, and it feels more like trying to occupy the soundscape and avoid silence rather than an actual discussion.

And everybody does this with everyone and the result is noise everywhere. So when we're done eating I go outside and listen to some music. But I must be a really good talker because people still come to see me to chat. I don't like that. We are still saying nothing and passing time and making noise.

But the expectations of society are such that I can't tell people to get lost and find someone else to bother. I don't really want to be mean either, because people who come to me are friends or family and I don't want to hurt them, but I feel like I need more focus and quiet and enjoy banter less and I do not not any way to say that politely. So I play the game

It's weird to understand social codes and sometimes their origin and yet being so physically or mentally unable to follow them. It's not like it's anything new for me, and I'm not sure if it's just how I am or if I've been somehow hurt in some way that cut my ability to enjoy socializing, but I really struggle staying happy during these moments and I'm really just bored or annoyed but I can't show it.

I don't know. I need quiet and focus. If we played games it would be more fun. Or drew something. Or folded origami. Or listened quietly to music. Maybe I'm not the only one feeling like this. I don't see many people purposely seeking isolation in large gatherings like I do, though.

And it's just something I have to live with because I can't say I'd rather sleep and draw and play games than attend people's important events. Because I'd end up hurting people and gradually stop being included in social groups and invited to events, and I do still need a bit of that to avoid losing my mind. Just not too large.

I wonder if there is a better way to handle all of that.

Anyway this drawing is about this feeling. A more succint description I've used on bsky is "socially gathered for the shallowest experience of each other," which I feel summarizes my thoughts on the matter.

Doesn't mean I'm not happy for the newlyweds though. Still crazy to think my cousin ended up with an ex-colleague. Both of them great people who seem like they love each other very much. They're fortunate. I wish them a long, fulfilling life together, and to reach their goals.